My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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