I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
