Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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