I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
