I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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