i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
