cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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