words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Green mimosas i think yes
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
