she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
