woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
