The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
