yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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