My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
