im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
