I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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