he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
