Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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