Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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