She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
