wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
