Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
