I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
