I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
