Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
