she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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