What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
