my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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