My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
