Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
