you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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