never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
