are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
