Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
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You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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