been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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