The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
