New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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