How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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