That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
