Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
