how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
