I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
