my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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