i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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