is your mom at the bar?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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