So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
