is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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