apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
