I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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