i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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