Betty ford says i'm here all night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
