went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
