i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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