I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
