I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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